One of the many joys of being a student in higher education is the many opportunities offered to students. The greatest and most fulfilling of these wonderous opportunities is the three hour night class. For those unfamilar with three hour night classes, yes it’s exactly what it sounds like. Once a week students with the attention span of a YouTube video begrudingly sit through three hours of mind numbing lecture. I know what you are thinking, “Oh boy! That sounds awesome! Learning is awesome!” (No?) Before you get overally excited allow me to share my experience with three hour classes in real time:
I stumble out of bed and smear the crust out from the corners of my eyes. Is today Tuesday? UGH. Yes it is tuesday. I have my six to nine tonight. Damn. Was there homework? Did the professor say something about a quiz last time?
Please let class be cancelled. Please let class be cancelled. It’s 5:58pm and the professor still is not here. Maybe he forgot about class. Maybe he got sick. Isn’t today a holiday or something?
*Professor speeds into classroom* “Hey guys sorry I’m a little late I forgot something up in my office, alright let’s get started with chapter seven blah blah blee bloop…” Alright maybe the professor will let us out early. Chapter seven seems easy enough. My wandering eye gets lured by the bright glowing screen of a MacBook Air. The owner of the Mac, a 5’5 short blacked hair soririty girl, clearly has no desire to pay attention. The desktop appears on screen and within seconds she is on FaceBook.
The past hour I have learned so much… about MacBook girl. Well first of all her name is Heather Sheets from Lonesdale, New Jersery, currently in a relationship (2 years) and apparently LOVES Dalaminations. Her scrolling Facebook page commands all of my attention. I know it is not polite to look at someones Facebook, but girl honestly your screen brighest is up all the way. How could I not look? Plus this digital eavesdropping is kinda fun.
Heather’s newsfeed has been very interesting. Here are some of the highlights:
- Chicago now has the World’s Biggest Pastrami Hoagie
- There was an anime convention on campus last Sunday
- Aunt Shirley posted awkward baby pics of her teenage twin cousins for their birthday – cringeworthy stuff
- Jim is in now in a relationship with Caity – good for them!
- She liked a fake news article about President Obama poisioning middle school kids in 2010 – I’m going to ignore this one
- She took a Buzzfeed quiz on What 90’s Hairstyle are you? – Butterfly Clips if you were wondering. I’m pretty surprised, I thought for sure she would get Scrunchies
The professor breifly regains my attention “Alright class! Work in groups, we will go around the room and share our answers in about twenty minutes”
Three groups have already presented and I still have no clue what is happening.
“Alright Patrick your group is up next!”
The dreaded moment has finally come. I take in a deep breath and pray that I can quickly cococt an intelligeable answer. My mouth opens projecting a smooth blend of terminology and word soup in the form of answer. It is a thing of pure beauty: The Van Gough of bullshit answers.
For a moment an expression of confusion paints our professors face. Did he see through my little charade?
“Wow! I never thought of it like that before. Great answer guys! I think that’s all for today. Read and prepare to dicuss chapter eight for next week ”
Another succusful day of learning. – Barry