Erase This from My Biography

Cecilia walked into to my apartment just in time to catch me unashamedly dancing to Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. The appalled look on her face revealed her confusion at what transpired. She didn’t know about this daily ritual of mine. That song replayed constantly in my head for the past decade. I dare you to only listen once! It’s not possible!

“Hey Barry! Oo that’s a good song!”

“Yeah I love it! It’s been stuck in my head for the longest time haha”

I invited Cece over to play a horror movie drinking game. Jump scare? Take a sip. Someone trips? Take a sip. Finally settled on the couch we scanned through Netflix and landed on The Awakening. It looked promising.


A pretty good movie!

Before I hit play Cece looked at me in an odd manner, “Turn off the light”

What? NOOO! That wasn’t a part of the deal! I don’t want to watch this in dark!

Reluctantly, I got up and flicked off the living room light. I already regretted it.

Shit! Did you hear that? Is someone in my closet? Do I want to look? Maybe I should double check?

Hey! Can you knock it off? The movie hasn’t even started yet!

Sorry. You know I don’t like the dark.

Cecilia and I experienced two completely different emotions. Her excitement overwhelmed my sudden fear induced paranoia. Five minutes into The Awakening and I already downed close to 20 sips. Oh boy, this is going to be a long night. Cece texted this guy on Tinder while we watched the movie.

“Hey Cecilia, what beer am I on?”

“Ummm, I think four.”

Oh my lord this game is going to kill me.

My head started to play ring-around-the-rosie. Cecilia trailed behind, just barely finishing half of her first can. At this point in the movie a huge revelation changed the course of the story. We both became highly invested in the plot.

“Barry, do you think I could convince this guy to send me a dick pic?”

What? Why? That’s so random. Besides there’s no way you could pull that off. Especially since he knows I’m sitting next to you.

Looking Cecilia directly in the eyes I took a gamble and said, “probably.” I may have been slightly intoxicated, but I wasn’t stupid. There was no way she was getting a dick pic. Some more scary stuff happened as the film chugged along to it’s near ending. My mind continued to ride a wobbly carousel.

“Hey Cecilia, what beer am I on?”

“Four,” I sensed she was determined to get that guy to surrender a dick pic.

Huh, that’s weird. I guess I didddn’t realllly driwk tht much?

Violins screamed from the television in an intense crescendo of suspense. The Awakening sprinted toward it’s conclusion while pumping my heart beat faster and faster! Is someone going to die?! Wait what just happened?! Did I miss something? Don’t look back, keep running!!!

Finally, after tugging on all my heartstrings the movie came screeching to an end. It was really good by the way.

“Barry! Look!”

Cecilia triumphantly held out her phone. She succeeded in her mission to obtain a dick pic! Honestly, I didn’t believe it, but that was clearly a man’s penis being brightly displayed on her smartphone.


Use your imagination

“Whaattttt? He actually did it?!”

Wow. Now I really need another drink.

“Hey Cecilia, what beer am I on?”


Otay okay okieeeee. New thre’s noooo way tats righto.

“Whatt? No way! Are you sure? Can you double check?”

Cecilia took a moment to count the pile of crushed Miller Lite cans by my feet.

“Oh, I mean seven.”

SEVEN! Tha’s almost doubbble four! Wat! SEVEN!

Okay no more alcohol for you buddy. We proceeded to watch Circle and some other stuff until finally calling it quits. The next morning, I looked at Cece puzzled.


Better than the Tom Hanks one

“Did we get a dick pic last night? Or was that a weird dream?”

“Yep that totally happened.”

I really hope this doesn’t end up in my biography – Barry


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