How to Lose Friends and Infuriate People: Chapter Two

The introductory chapter to this book exposed you to a fundamental principle in losing friends and infuriating people. Before moving on to this chapter, be sure to review the material discussed in the Introduction once more.

Part Two – Strategies for Losing Friends.

In your efforts to shed friends like an old snake skin you will encounter many difficulties. At some point you encounter a great altruistic figure who insists on enduring friendship with you. Such as serious case of the measles, you wish to be rid of this person!

Do not fret. I have crafted a stratagem specifically for this purpose.

Principle 2)     Relationship going steady? Try being petty.


Despite your lack of commitment and general disinterest, Stevenson continues to pursue a friendship with you. You reached a yearly quota for friendship that Stevenson threatens to endanger. Frankly, you aren’t even sure his name is Stevenson. It could be Robert or Johnny. You generate the following options while brainstorming for a solution.

Do you:

  1. Treat Stevenson with respect and politely explain to him that you can’t endure another friendship for the time being?
  2. Make up a fantastical story about how your religion doesn’t allow you to accumulate more than three friends a year (with Jesus being included as one)?
  3. Ignore Stevenson until he finally learns to take a hint?

Either 2 or 3 present viable options to this dilemma. No one likes you, why should Stevenson be the exception?! Exhibiting pettiness will help repulse other “would-be-friends” away. Repeat this affirmation: Relationship going steady? Try being petty.

Stay lonely my friends – Barry


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