How to Survive the Millennial Plague

Today the root cause of all contemporary issues can be traced back to one vile sub section of human beings: Millennials. Millennials are just the worst.

“What’s a Millennial?”

Here’s a definition according to Merriam-Webster :

“a person born in the 1980s or 1990s”

Here’s a more accurate definition from your bitter uncle Wally :

 “Those goddamn kids, with their goodamn ApplePods, and goddamn cellphones!”

Here are some survival tips when dealing these wretched mouth-breathing creatures.

Tip 1. AVOID coffee shops at all cost (i.e. Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, etc.)


The average Millennial cannot survive more than 24 hours without a sufficient intake of caffeine. Observing their behavior in the wild reveals many prefer to resupply at coffee shops. Our top researchers cite that herds of the species use these areas as “alternative workspaces”.

Tip 2. Find shelter in areas away from Wi-Fi


Taking shelter in areas devoid of wi-fi or internet connectivity is the best way to ensure safety from Millennials. These creatures have not adapted to such harsh environmental conditions. They experience intense side effects such as Meme Deprivation Syndrome, Social Media Withdrawal, and Actual Human Interaction.

Tip 3. Exist as a Person


Through centuries of socialization and evolution Millennials have formed a symbiotic relationship with technology. When face down in their smartphone/computer screen they occupy a digital reality. In this state the Millennial is extreme docile. Unprovoked, they will largely remain to themselves until threatened. Occasionally they come up for air and join the physical reality. Knowing this we advise two things: 1) DO NOT under any circumstances attempt to separate a wild Millennial from it’s technology, lest you risk your own safety. 2) Exist as a normal person. They will not notice you are there.

Good luck out there – Barry



2 thoughts on “How to Survive the Millennial Plague

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