Trash Can Carla

Warm streams of water jetted out the showerhead on my filthy bare body. Purification by water, also known as “showering”, cleansed both skin and soul. Isn’t it strange how simple experiences can feel so enlightening?

This is heaven!

Ten minutes goes by before I force myself out of the purification chamber, also known as a “shower stall”, before grabbing my drying apparatus. I partially dried myself then transformed the towel into makeshift skirt to hide my junk. While leaving the Men’s restroom I formulated my day plans.

Okay, just need to head back to my dorm. Maybe sleep some more, do homework, take a nap, finish up a season of How I Met Your Mother, sleep some more. Yeah, that sounds like a solid Sunday plan.

My shower shoes squeaked loudly as I waddled back to dorm. I was six feet away from my door when- “YOUR’E GOING IN THE FUCKING TRASH!”

What in the hell!

Panic immediately grabbed the reins. My tranquility turned into this: Ramsey, a burly 6 foot, 240 pound macho man carried Carla, a 5 foot, 95 pound Starbucks-lovin’ white girl over his shoulder en route to the trash can next to my bedroom door.

Goddammit! Why can’t I ever get a break?!

Carla was getting dangerously close to getting intimate with the hallway trash. Apparently, she was having fun because she was laughing hysterically.

I sucked in my jelly rolls and put on an authoritative voice, “Hey! Put her down!”

Ramsey blinked for a second and looked at me. He probably thought something along the lines of: Seriously? Dude, your in a towel.

I upped the ante, “RAMSEY. I SAID PUT HER DOWN.”

To this day I’m convinced that no man has ever looked tough in a towel previous to that incident. Ramsey paused a few seconds before setting Carla down. He apologized and returned to his room. I’m not usually a bitter person, BUT that bitch Carla didn’t even thank me! She just continued giggling and skipped away!

I should have let her get thrown in!

P.S. I stopped a different guy from trying to throw Carla into the garbage bin about 3 weeks later. After stopping it that time I made sure to drop a comment about the importance of recycling trash. Recycle kids. – Barry

Captain Planet

*Captain Planet approves this message*


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